Monday, April 11, 2011

The Global Crisis Theme Park!

Waterworld, Seaworld, Oceanworld…
Are you tired of the same old theme park replicas everywhere you go? 
Or worse…Tired of theme parks which themes are derivatives of FAIL?  

Case in point 1: Shijingshan Amusement Park in China

Who? Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse? Nope, they are “Duck” and “Girl Cat”, denizens of Shijingshan Amusement Park, bootleg champions of the world. Plagiarising everything and anything, the park owners have Shrek, Batman, Hello Kitty and possibly Pedobear roaming freely around the park.

Looks like her "poison apple" is showing

But looking at the Snow White Ticket booth...I guess they can't get everything right...

Case in point 2: Bon Bon Land in Denmark

Home of fart jokes, and bodily fluid, this theme park is all about toilet humour. Roller coasters blaring dog fart sounds, Rides with pink cow nipples, it has everything a Danish kid could possibly hope for.

Yea this theme park makes me sick too
But never fear! For your liberator has come to redeem you. I have opened a brand new theme park as never seen before! Your boring family outings have been saved!
It's educational, it's gritty, it's controversial, but most of all, it's FUN! (for me)

Welcome to: GLOBAL CRISIS PARK!  (This name is now trademarked by Gary)

Yes folks the Theme Park of your dreams have finally arrived!

Park Map


1. Mexican Fence Frolic
What is it?: Two entrance gates stand in the way of you and unrivalled bliss. One entrance is your normal push gate with beeping sensors and a ticket reader...The other is for those who want some EXTREME sauce in their mediocre congee bowl of life. 

This fun filled attraction is mainly an obstacle course. Participants are only given a single poncho and sombrero, and their goal is to make it to the other side. Your obstacles include a fence, a canal, guards and guard dogs, coyotes, patrol boats, and rednecks with shotguns. Remember, it's everyone for themselves, so no one will blame you if you leave your dying son along the way and push on. Trust me, its worth it. 

Dafael Ralma Head of

We have employed a few fail safes in our design (But not many, we strive to keep the experience as authentic as possible!). If you are caught by the guards or rednecks, get down on your knees with your hands up and say "Ariba Ariba Andale Andale Hepa Hepa!! ' (which roughly translates to "Kind sir, I beg of you, spare my lowly life!') .

That halts any further acts of violence and you will be taken to mow the lawn for a few hours before being allowed back for more fun filled adventures!

2. Obesity Express Dome
What is it?: Hop on to our Obesity Express ride and get a glimpse of what you or your descendants will inevitably become over the next few decades! Our ride starts with you being looped in and tied to 3 Turanza ER300 tyres (Courtesy of Bridgestone our proud sponsors!). Your fat ass will be hauled into the seat, then you will be told to get out and purchase another seat because you too darn fat, you blubber butt! After 6-7 of our attendants strap you on with specially extended belts while looking at you scornfully, we're off on our journey!

Our ride takes you into our state of the art militaristic chrome dome. We take great pride in perfecting the properties of the obese man as you will see during the ride.

The air in the dome is stabilised at a constant composition of 10% oxygen, causing participants to wheeze and pant for air the entire trip.

Temperature is kept at 40 degrees Celsius, to stimulate steady flow of sweat production.

Gaseous hallucinogens are released through micro pores beneath your seat to help make you feel depressed, useless and anxious. Don't worry, they are (almost) FDA approved.

As an added bonus we have placed 3 visible prize boxes labelled "Hope", "Salvation" and "Sleeping Pills" at separate locations just beyond the reach of the participants. Each box holds the trigger to end your suffering, but your fat arse is too fat to reach them, so wallow in your despair fatty, this is gonna be a long ride.

My eyes! They're melting!!!
3. Ocean Pollution Station
Contrary to its title, this is not a water ride. Instead it is a new category of rides called "Attrition Rides".
There is no time limit. You come out when you want or you stay till the bitter end. Did I say "bitter end"? I meant Super Awesome Happy End. You start of with a cape, a trident (why a trident? you'll find out), a crown and a magnificent set of facial fungi.

Your objective is to guard a sealed room with
a) some plants for oxygen production
b) some small animals for food
c) a single glass window for light and sun rays

As time goes by your room will be bombarded with pieces of aluminium, plastic and rotten corpses. (This is where your trident comes handy for poking and picking up trash).

A pipe will open up on the wall to channel viscous goo into the room. Shades will lower slowly over the glass window to blot the sun. Black ash will be funnelled in to reduce visibility.

Our genetically modified sharks will come into the room and pee all over the place. Animal cruelty you say? No, we don't even pay the sharks, they say they love their job since hundreds of people come into their home everyday and pee everywhere too. Its good to give back to the human community they say. What nice creatures! 

What will happen? Will you triumph as NEPTUNE the Brilliant ?
Or falter as INEPTUNE the Blunder ?

4. Somalian Restaurant
After all that action, and if you're still alive, you must be famished. Why not come down to enjoy our authentic Somalian cuisines? Take off your shoes and savour the feel of dust and sand under your feet and the excitement of begging for food from the food aid truck. 

Experience the joy of jostling with your family and other customers as you reach out for small packets of rice and cheese tossed at you from our resident army men. And feel the love as a gun is pointed at your head and your food stolen from our resident child soldiers. A great eatery for the entire family!
Johnny! I said hold your hand up! Now beg like you mean it!

5. Dead End Point
Take a break and climb up to Dead End Point, the highest peak overlooking the park. 
From here, take in the fresh fragrant air and enjoy the view.We strive to deliver only the very best to our customers, and that is why we have build various suicide booths that can be used at your leisure (for a nominal fee of course). 

The feedback we have received is that our theme park is so depressing awesome that many customers have the great urge to end their lives while high on the feeling of acute anxiety euphoria! 

Our priority extends to preservation of the environment and hence your dead corpse will be recycled and your organs taken and sold. All this and more desecration will take place with or without your consent because we know what's best for you! 

So come on down for a day of entertainment and near death experiences! Hurry before we're closed down by the local authority.

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