Tuesday, June 15, 2010

How to save money like a Man

How to save money like a Man!

People often ask me, “Gary, you virile charismatic stallion, how do you always manage to win at everything?”
It is simple really.
·   Red chillies and soy sauce
·   Brown jackets
·   A bottle of pirate tears

And of course
·    Date rape drugs
Haha, just kidding on that one…pirates don’t have tears.
People also often ask me “Gary, how do I save money like a man?” Of course, since I win at everything, I knew the answer. Here I will share with you my winning tips on how to be Cheapskate Champ!

1. Hygiene
As men do, we take dumps ever so often. Problem is you need tissue paper to wipe your arse each and every time! What a waste of money! You might as well wipe with dollar notes. I’m not suggesting to NOT wipe your arse, real men always have clean rumps. But what you can do is wipe with yesterday’s newspaper. Extra points if Justin Bieber’s face is on it. Not only do you save on toilet paper, but the traction from the newspaper will temper your arse into a firm, calloused carapace in no time. You will be able to do things you never thought possible.

You can also use your cat, because cat’s clean themselves. It’s like having your own renewable supply of fur towels. Awesome!

2. Supplies
Every house needs some basic household items. And it’s your job as a man to get them. For instance, you can stock up on stationary by grabbing Ikea pencils. Most café’s put out sugar packets and Mcdonald’s give out free ketchup. Food courts serving Asian food usually leave plastic cutlery out too. You can get almost everything you need if you know how.

Like this one time I needed a wallet to keep my cash and cards in. So as I went out, I asked a stranger if I could put my things in his wallet and told him to meet me at K-mart in 15 minutes. He must have been so eager to get there on time that he took a shortcut through a shoddy back alley and accidentally dropped my ID during a police drug raid and accidentally told them I was the ringleader. I learned a valuable lesson that day…that while being questioned in the police interrogation room, you can ask for all the coffee and KFC you want!  

3. Eating Out
Just because you are on a budget does not mean you cannot enjoy a nice meal outside once in awhile. Preparation is key.
Newspapers sometimes have coupons and discounts. But of course you’re not going to PAY for a newspaper…so visit your local café or barbershop or anywhere that has the day’s paper laid out for customers to read. Stealthily tear out the coupons.
Get yourself a Goblet of Infinitude. I am of course talking about the Holy Grail of soft drink replenishment – A Hungry Jacks Plastic Cup! With this, your thirst shall be quenched for evermore! Never leave home without it.
Bring at least 3 changes of clothing when you go out. Supermarkets like Coles and Woolies often hand out free food samples. Make your rounds tasting everything, then re-dress and repeat. Be creative when dressing up. Nobody likes a half-arsed effort. Look at examples below.
Same shirt, different colour?
Try harder fool!

From Asian to pseudo Middle-Eastern to Animation??
Coles will not know what hit em!

If all else fails, never fear, you can always go to Oxford Street and pretend to be gay for the purpose of being picked up. At the very least you will get a free beer. Now I am no expert on gay courtship but I believe you start it off by exclaiming loudly “Lets Taste the Rainbow!” while baring your chest. If men around whip out their package of Skittles, then move to another area and try again. If however, they whip out their package…..you may move on to step 2.

In step 2, you both sip on warm beer and rub ice on each other’s navels. After sharing a meal together you go back to his house and sing duets of Madonna’s “Deeper and deeper”. Unless you like Madonna, you would want to bail right after the part where you eat and he pays.                

4. Tipping
No tipping.

5. Dating and Marriage
Dates and Weddings are traditionally expensive endeavours, a true test to the professional cheapskate. And quite frankly, most gentlemen end their penny pinching ways once a woman is involved. But if you persist, you are well on your way to becoming Tightward Tycoon.
Want to get flowers for your date? Stop by your local cemetery and pick up a bouquet. Dead people do not take too kindly to this act and will haunt you in your dreams and feed on your soul. You may also end up in Hell, but at least you saved a couple of dollars.
If the date involves a movie, do not take her to a late night one. Instead, opt for one in the afternoon so that after the movie, you may sneak into another theatre and watch a second movie for free!
If you happen to tie the knot (after all the money you saved, who WOULDN’T want to marry you?) the wedding will be the ultimate challenge to your frugality. The first objective is to secure the flowers. No way is a simple trip to the cemetery and an eternity in hell going to help you get that many fresh flowers. What you must do instead is scour the obituary page. Find someone whose funeral coincides with your wedding day. Then steal their flowers. If Satan was ever contemplating renovating hell to fit in a Tenth Circle, then its first occupant would be you! Congratulations!
And what would you do for food? Sweep up all the rice your friends throw at you and cook it to serve at the reception. Remember to add dead insects to everything you serve. Chances are, most of your guests are not Fear Factor enthusiasts and will avoid them. More food for you and your lovely wife!
Word of caution: you must first ensure that your partner is able to consume bug ridden cuisines. I was recently seeing a girl who was perfect in every way, but I needed to be sure she passed the dead insect test. So when she wasn’t looking, I slipped a dead cockroach in her salad. She unknowingly scooped it up and bit off its head. When she saw half a cockroach in her bowl, her eyes grew wide with joy and she tried to say something, but was too excited to do so. I waved her off and said no need to thank me, but she grabbed both my hands and her face went all red. She started quivering and moaning and I can’t tell for sure, but I think she had an orgasm. A guy sitting next to us got turned on and rushed behind my girl, wrapped his arms around her belly and started thrusting. Of course I got mad so I splashed acid in his face. All the excitement made my girl pass out.
This was exactly how the guy was humping my girl!
Apparently they have a name for it called “The Heimlich maneuver”. How disgusting!
I didn’t see her the next day, or the days after that but I heard she moved out of the country and changed her name. This must be what marriage is all about!
So there you have it. All the manly ways to save money…right up till matrimony. Bear in mind that not all marriages end up as successful as mine. You just have to keep trying!
Good luck to all you men out there!

1 comment:

  1. LOL! This comes from experience yes? In that case, well done!