Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Feat I never thought possible

A Feat I never thought possible…         
by G.Kew

People of the world, please heed my words.
Take a walk with me as we enter a tiny wooden shed. Inside is a man, born with no arms, suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, chronic depression, lung cancer, IMPOTENTCY, irritable bowel syndrome, Gynophobia and Arrhenphobia (fear of women and men respectively).
Plus, he has 4 testicles and therefore has a sex drive as mighty as the crushing waves of the sea, but he can do nothing about it…no arms, impotent, and fear of both sexes remember?
Still, I would have traded places with this man rather than having to sit through the entire screening of “Epic Movie”.  And the only reason I stayed and watched was because my girlfriend had my dick in her purse, and I couldn’t leave without it. Of course, after the credits started rolling I headbutted her in the tits and took my dick back. Easiest way to break up with someone. You should try it. 
Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. Remember these names. They are the producers of this monstrosity. When the end of the world comes, they go first.
I was curious as to how these two arse suckers looked like, so I tried googling for images. Not surprisingly, there are none.
“All about Aaron and Jason”, “Photos, news and biography”, “Information and facts” all the sites that offer you promises and hope of a mug shot turned out to be lies. I don’t care enough to scout too deep, so this is the best I could find:

 Upon zooming in, a closer inspection reveals some underlying secrets.

It becomes painfully obvious why movies they produce are so repugnant. It’s like a zombie had sex with a piece of cow dung and 9 months later, out popped Aaron and Jason. Even the distributors didn’t want to pre-screen the movie to critics. FACT!
One after another the movie throws bits and pieces of distasteful parodies and celebrity impersonations at you, and they are as entertaining as the Australian Bureau of Statistics website.
Hey turd faces, ever heard of “transition”? It’s a technique mainly applied to connect scenes together, allowing a movie to flow smoothly as the plot unfolds. Oh, but it seems that the conventional methods are too unadventurous for Mr. Seltzer and Mr. Friedberg. They rather apply a method called “TAJ”, also referred to as the Tom And Jerry method, in which anything goes. A person could be murdered, beheaded, stabbed, or skinned alive in one scene, and in the next they would be completely fine, with clothes intact.
And if you thought toilet humour was funny, prepare to have the revelation of your lives as they butcher and bastardize your favourite fart, shit and urine jokes.
And when they run out of ideas, some ass-wipe character pumps out a filler song. Hip Hop is funny, but not that funny. Every time the movie breaks out into song, I die a little inside…
If the movie was still screening in the cinemas, I’d make some T-shirts, stand at the exits and sell them.
So there you go. Epic Movie is by far, the worst movie ever made on the face of this planet and the producers should be demolecularized and driven back into the womb from whence they came.

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