Sunday, September 5, 2010

How To Catch a Train Like a Man

A lot of you have been asking for a follow-up to the article How to Save Money like a Man.

I hate it when people start their article or video with the sentence “A lot of you have been asking for…” because in fact, nobody has asked for anything. These are the same people who think they have hundreds of faithful followers when in fact they have none.

Anyway, a lot of you have been asking for a follow-up, so to not disappoint my very, very huge fanbase, I present to you…HOW TO CATCH A TRAIN LIKE A MAN.

1. Boarding the Right Train
A man should always have 3 things with him before he attempts to catch a train. A boarding pass, a samurai sword, and a pair of strong jumping legs. The boarding pass is self-explanatory; the samurai sword is for you to stab yourself should you fail to catch your train. It’s the only way to save your dignity, just hold the sword blade-side up and fall on it. Nothing fancy. Jumping legs is also a must. What if you somehow ended up on the wrong platform for whatever reason? Maybe you were escorting a group of blind orphans dying of leukemia to their platform, but then realize your own train is due in the next 10 seconds and you don’t have the time to run all the way to the right platform?

You will have to jump the tracks.

And a pair of good jumping legs is all that stands between a triumphant entrainment or death by impalement. And remember, this is a manly leap to destiny…this is not an action film where the hero takes a slow-motion leap of faith into the river below to escape his pursuers while flailing his limbs like an idiot.

CORRECT: A graceful jump with knees tucked in and arms pushed back.

WRONG: Flailing limbs and farting rainbows. Don’t be an asshole. Do it right!

2. Handling the crowd
There will come a day when your manly essence is exceptionally strong thus attracting a large crowd onto your carriage. When this happens, keep cool and resist the urge to fart…you can do that later, right before you get off at your station, leaving the poor sods still on the train to sample your “bowel bouquet”. In the meantime pay attention to your surroundings. We all know that a crowded train is the ideal ground for women to grope men and smell our aftershave, so you want to stay alert at all times. Here are the top tell tale signs when a woman is about to get her grope on and how to remedy it.

3. Offering up your seat
 As a healthy young man, you are the first one to be offering up your seat to
whoever needs it. But it’s more complicated than you think. Some people get offended when you offer them a seat. Lucky for you, I have made a definitive guide on when to offer up your seat. You’re welcome. The graphs below depict how grateful a person is when you, a young stud of a man, offer them a seat. Memorize these graphs and you shall never falter in the seat offering department again!




So there you have it. Now even you know how to catch a train like a man! Now go on out there and BE somebody!

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