Snippets from the Book “Sex and the Economic Crisis”
Here are snippets from the bestselling novel of 2009 ‘Sex and the Economic Crisis”. Does the title sound familiar to you? Think you've read it before? If you think so, then I can assure you, you haven't. I assume a title so simple and effective would inevitably be shared by at least a few books, but this book is written by me, and does not in fact…exist.
But snippets of this imaginary book DO exist! Magical you say? Indeed it is dear reader. Read on, and judge yourself as to whether I should compile and type them up in Garamond with font size 11 over 132 pages and bind them in a plastic hardback to be sold at $15.99 each at your nearest Kinokuniya...or not.
Snippet 1…She was truly a sight to behold, her skin was smooth and flawless, her face blessed with the most brilliant blue eyes and a captivating smile. The tight black Versace dress, falls naturally on her body, complimenting each and every curve. And as they made love, all he could think about was that dress. A Versace Halter Ruched Jersey Gown. Probably a size 8.
He went faster.
What a glorious dress! Retail price would be at least $6900 excluding GST.
He went even faster.
It would probably fetch a hefty $3500 on ebay.
And faster still he went, unwilling to relieve the feeling of ecstasy.
Maybe $4000, or even $4500 if I’m lucky!
And at the peak of his performance, he faked orgasm and stole her dress while she slept, careful to leave a fake number should she ever try to contact him…
Snippet 2…The office was empty. The entire floor was vacant. The two lovebirds shot each other a dirty look.
“Excellent!” they exclaimed in unison, but not exactly in unison. Doug was a little late that time. He was thinking about how to pay off his credit card bill; already 2 weeks pass the deadline.
They proceeded to kiss passionately and he laid her gently on one of the many empty cubicle desks left by his retrenched co-workers…
Snippet 3…And Doug has had enough. He proceeded to SMS her
“WE NED 2 TOK”
“WAT IS IT?” she replied.
“ITS OVA 4 US”
“U MEAN U BREAKING UP WITH ME LOL?”
“R WE DONE? DIS CONVO IS XPENSIVE”…
Snippet 4…Just as he was about to give up, he spotted a beautiful blonde across the bar. He walked up to her and decided to open up the conversation with a light-hearted pick up line.
“Hi my name is Doug. That’s God spelled backwards with a bit of you wrapped in it”
It seemed to have worked; she smiled and reciprocated with a cheeky response,
“I see, well Tarzan called and he said he wants u and his Dog back”
“Oh no he didn’t, calling from Africa would cost him a fortune”
she looked puzzled.
“And assuming he found a payphone, he would still have to sell quite a few pounds of bananas to buy an international calling card, but since that would make Cheeta upset, it would be more plausible to assume that he worked as a labourer for a few hours to collect the money.”
The woman just stared at Doug, her left eyebrow slanting ever higher at every word he said, as if acting as a graph with the height inversely proportional to her level of interest.
“Ok Doug, you have totally screwed up this conversation. You know, our ancestors crawled out of the ocean and evolved legs specifically to avoid such horrible chatter.”
“But baby girl, by that definition fish are the worst pick up artists in the world”…
And there you have it. Snippets from the awesome novel, “Sex and the Economic Crisis”. The moral of the story? Somewhere along the lines of the economic crisis being a serious threat to human procreation and people are too obese nowadays or something… I haven’t thought of it yet…and probably never will.