Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Alliterative Names

Alliterative Names
Does the title bore you already? If it does, then you probably don’t know what “alliterative” means and should just stop reading now and go back into your vacuous shell of minimal lexicon. See what I did there? By ridiculing your vocabulary you have to now either google the meaning of the word or bow before my superior powers of AWESOME!!!
Just kidding, no point writing something no one is going to read. Alliteration means a repetition of a sound in words that make up a phrase, usually a consonant.
e.g -Tamil Tigers ate Tampons Today.
      -Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini.

So an alliterative name is where a person’s last and first name sound kind of the same. Calvin Klein, Galileo Galilei, Barbara Bush, Jonathan Johnny Jones.  Sound cool? Sometimes.
Personally I think the parents who do this are secretly hoping their kid would grow up to be either
a)   Superheros or 
b)   Disney / Looney Tunes Characters

As lame as it sounds it is still a clear invitation to join the ranks of Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Bruce Banner, and Reed Richards. Even if they fail to make it that big they can still play some supporting role such as the likes of James Jonah Jameson, Lana Lang, and Randy Robertson. If all else fails, there’s always the lovable animal cartoon role to fill( e.g Mickey Mouse, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny).                 

Still, having an alliterative name isn’t as bad as these: Fish and Chips, Number 16 Bus Shelter, and Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii. I shit you not these are real names that have been banned in New Zealand. How did these parents even learn to breathe? Number 16 Bus Shelter? I know some celebrities name their kid after the location it was conceived, like Brooklyn, Paris and Detroit, but you need a brain made of pubes to even consider naming your kid Number 16 Bus Shelter.

I managed to buy a time travel machine and went into the future and stole the diary of Number 16 Bus Shelter.  Here’s a preview of what she wrote

19-5-2022 – My birthday today, can’t believe I’m 16! I mean the number, not the name… Hope that fugly bitch doesn’t show up at my party today. Wow I just combined “fat” and “ugly” and made a totally cool new word. Gonna tell all my friends! All 3 of them.

20-5-2022 –My close friend Subway Exit 52 totally loved the new word. But we researched it and apparently that word is real retro…and has not been used since 2011. I should really keep up to date with these things, I wish I had more friends…  

5-10-2022 Mum and Dad went on another expedition to find “Old Zealand” which they insist is somewhere in Tazmania. Someone kill me please.

This reminds me, I have a friend whose surname is Ching. And he plans to name his future kids Matthew, Isabelle, Benedict, and Catherine. Sounds innocent enough. So innocent in fact, that it shrouds the evil brilliance of it all! Try abbreviating the names and what do you get? Here’s a hint: matching, belching, benching, catching. True story.

Or he could be really brutal and go with Leslie Ching (less leeching). Or how about Lynn Ching (lyncing), and once shes older, she’ll be Aunty Lynn Ching (anti-lynching). Or what if his son Matt becomes a transvestite? He’ll be Ms Matt Ching(mismatching) or a transvestite nun, the Nun Matt Ching (nonmatching)? I hope my friend reads this. No turning back now. Justin Trent Ching (just entrenching). Or even Renee, so it’ll be Ren Ching (ranching), maybe with a first name Gertrude to make it Gert Ren Ching (gut wrenching). I’m on a role! How about Cleanth? Or better, Ash Cleanth Ching (ass clenching). Quibit Ching (quit bitching)?

Ok the last one was just grabbing on straws.   


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